Tribes, With Sir David Attenborough
by lithen
Summary: Watch Sir David Attenborough as he annoys Harry.


Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.

Tribes, With Sir David Attenborough

By Lithen

AS PER ATTENBOROUGH'S 'TRIBAL EYE,' THE SHOW BEGINS WITH A FRONT VIEW OF NUMBER FOUR PRIVET DRIVE. CAMERA SLOWLY PANS TO THE LEFT, SETTLING ON A WINDOW ON THE SECOND FLOOR. CAMERA ZOOMS TO THE INSIDE OF THE ROOM. SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH IS INSIDE THE ROOM, FACING THE CAMERA. PROPS HAVE BEEN SET UP IN THE ROOM TO GIVE IT A TRIBAL FEEL: IDOLS, JARS, BASKETS, MASKS, URNS, AND A FEW PLANTS. MUSIC OF AFRICAN DRUMS AND CHANTING PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND.

**CAPTION**: THE TRIBAL EYE SHOW

A SERIES OF DOCUMENTARIES ON PRIMITIVE PEOPLE.

THIS WEEK – THE HOG WARTS STUD ENTRY

ATTENBOROUGH WEARS OVER-LARGE, KNEE-LENGTH SHORTS, OVER-SIZED BLACK BOOTS, KNEE-HIGH WHITE SOCKS, AND A SHORT-SLEEVED KHAKI SHIRT.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** Good evening and welcome to this special episode of the 'Tribal Eye' show. Join us as we take a look at a small group of people living virtually unknown right here in London, England – the Hog Warts Stud Entry Tribe.

CUE HARRY AS HE ENTERS HIS ROOM. HE SEES THE PROPS AND DAVID ATTENBOROUGH TALKING TO THE CAMERA.

**HARRY:** What in the world is going on here? And who're you?

ATTENBOROUGH IGNORES HIM.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** This week we will follow the journey of a young man from this tribe as he enters manhood and go through a mating ritual.

**HARRY:** How'd you get into my room?

ATTENBOROUGH CONTINUES TO IGNORE HIM. THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO HARRY.

**ATTENBOROUGH (voiceover):** And here we see the young man who, for the sake of our viewers, we have chosen to call 'Harry.'

**HARRY:** What do you mean you'll call me 'Harry?' I AM HARRY!

ATTENBOROUGH WALKS INTO THE FRAME. HARRY IS WAVING AT HIM FROM BEHIND SHOUTING EXPLETIVES.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** It is around this time that 'Harry' and others his age goes through a change and, for the first time in their lives, feels the urge to mate. It is this urge that causes him to turn to the gods of his tribe for help.

CAMERA PANS TO THE WINDOW. HEDWIG LANDS ON THE WINDOW SILL CARRYING A LETTER.

**HEDWIG:** Hoot!

ATTENBOROUGH WALKS INTO FRAME.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** They have many varied beliefs, some unusual and some incomprehensible. For instance, this strange creature…

**HARRY:** It's an owl.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** …this strange animal is believed to be a messenger of the gods.

**HARRY:** For the last time. IT'S. AN. OWL.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** It is their custom to feed these creatures seeds of some sort grown locally on the ground. They give these 'seeds' as an offering. Tribal stories say that when you appease this messenger of the gods, it will deliver a letter to you bearing the answer of the gods whether they favor you or not.

CAMERA SHOWS HARRY GIVING HEDWIG SOME TREATS. HE GETS THE LETTER AND OPENS IT. CAMERA ZOOMS TO THE LETTER REVEALING IT TO HAVE BEEN SENT BY HERMIONE. HARRY SMILES AND SIGHS.

**ATTENBOROUGH (voiceover):** Apparently the gods have favored him.

**HARRY:** Do you mind? I'm reading my letter.

**ATTENBOROUGH: **As we can see, the letter contains a crude form of writing probably dating back to more than a million years ago. Fortunately, we have managed to decode some of this old, forgotten language.

CLOSE UP ON THE LETTER. ON THE NOTE, HERMIONE AGREES TO MEET HARRY TOMMOROW AT DIAGON ALLEY BEFORE GOING TO HOGWARTS.

**SUBTITLE:** Yes. We are both of age. I agree to undergo the mating ritual with you.

HARRY STOPS READING THE LETTER AND LOOKS AT THE SUBTITLE.

**HARRY:** What the fk is this?

CUT SCENE TO THE DURSLEYS AT THE LIVING ROOM WATCHING THE TRIBAL EYE SHOW.

**DUDLEY:** Oi, Dad! Isn't that Harry on the telly?

**VERNON:** I do believe it is, son.

**PETUNIA:** And isn't that Dudikins spare bedroom upstairs?

THE DURSLEYS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND RUN UPSTAIRS TO HARRY'S ROOM. LOUD FOOTSTEPS AS THEY RAN UP THE STAIRS. CUT SCENE BACK TO SIR ATTENBOROUGH.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** Ah, we're in luck. It seems we are about to witness a common family habit before they turn in to sleep.

DURSLEYS BURST INTO THE ROOM. THEY ARE EXCITED. THEY JUMP UP AND DOWN AND CLAPPING THEIR HANDS.

**DUDLEY: **I'm on the telly! I'm on the telly!

**ATTENBOROUGH:** This habit, common to all families of this tribe, is characterized by jumping up and down like pogo sticks while bringing their hands together and often accompanied by loud squealing.

HARRY BURIES FACE IN HIS HANDS AND GROANS AMIDST THE DURSLEYS.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** Also notice how two of the males in this family are considerably bigger than the female. This means that our young man, 'Harry,' was originally raised to be a young woman.

**HARRY:** WHAT!

**NEW LOCATION:** Diagon Alley, on the way to Flourish and Blotts.

HARRY IS WALKING TO MEET HERMIONE AT FLOURISH AND BLOTTS. SIR ATTENBOROUGH IS BEHIND HIM, HE LOOKS AT THE CAMERA.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** We are now here at Diagon Alley to meet the female who is the object of 'Harry's' affection.

**HARRY:** Quit following me. You're starting to get on my nerves.

HARRY ARRIVES AT FLOURISH AND BLOTTS. HE SEES HERMIONE TALKING TO DRACO MALFOY. DRACO HAS HIS BACK TO HARRY. CAMERA SHOWS HARRY NARROW HIS EYEBROWS AND GRIT HIS TEETH.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** A peculiar behavior such as this is displayed when a rival male intrudes upon his chosen mate. Often, this is followed by the males butting heads against each other or they may try to intimidate each other with elaborate displays and name calling.

CAMERA FOLLOWS HARRY AS HE STOMPS TOWARDS DRACO. SIR ATTENBOROUGH FOLLOWS.

**HARRY:** Hey, ferret-boy!

**ATTENBOROUGH:** 'Harry' has chosen to try and chase away his rival, who we shall call 'pale-face,' from his chosen mate.

HERMIONE RAISES AN EYEBROW UPON HEARING THIS. DRACO TURNS AROUND TO FACE HARRY.

**PALE-FACE (Draco):** If it isn't Potty – whoa!

CAMERA ZOOMS ON DRACO'S FACE. DRACO POINTS AT THE CAMERA.

**PALE-FACE (Draco):** Wh-what is that! Get it away from me!

DRACO PISSES IN HIS PANTS. A FEW DROPS OF PISS LAND ON HERMIONE'S SHOE. CAMERA FOCUSES ON SHOE THEN ON HERMIONE.

**HERMIONE:** Ewwwww!

**ATTENBOROUGH:** The rival male, 'Pale-face,' visibly seems to be scared of 'Harry.' In a last effort to steal the female, he marks her with his piss. 'Pale-face' hopes that the smell would drive away other males.

**HARRY:** Looks like Draco made a widdle wee-wee.

DRACO LOOKS LIKE HE IS ABOUT TO CRY. HE RUNS AWAY.

**Pale-face (Draco):** You'll pay for this, Potter!

HERMIONE THROWS HERSELF AT HARRY AND GIVES HIM A BIG HUG.

**HERMIONE:** Harry! I've missed you!

HARRY RETURNS THE HUG. THERE IS A GOOFY GRIN ON HIS FACE. SIR ATTENBOROUGH STANDS BESIDE THE TWO.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** Having successfully defeated the other male, the female, who we've named 'Bushy,' gives 'Harry' a sign of approval. This action is done by throwing one's self at the victorious male and squeezing hard. This action is considered barbaric in modern culture but is a common occurrence in this tribe.

HERMIONE AND HARRY LOOK AT SIR ATTENBOROUGH.

**BUSHY (Hermione):** Harry, why is Sir David Attenborough with you?

**HARRY:** Believe me, I've no idea.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** 'Harry,' on his part, takes this opportunity to release pheromones into the air, thereby effectively coating his desired mate, 'Bushy,' with his scent.

**BUSHY (Hermione):** Did he just call me 'Bushy'? Your mate?

**HARRY:** Err… ha ha, uhm…

**BUSHY (Hermione):** Well?

CLOSE UP ON HARRY'S FACE. HIS CHEEKS ARE RED.

**HARRY:** L-look, I… I know this may not be the best time but… w-well I do like you Hermione. Truth is I…I love you.

**BUSHY (Hermione):** Oh Harry.

HERMIONE LEANS IN TO KISS HARRY ON THE LIPS. CHURCH BELLS RING IN THE BACKGROUND. CUT SCENE TO H/HR SHIPPERS AROUND THE WORLD.

**H/HR SHIPPERS:** SQUEEEEEE!

CUT BACK TO SIR ATTENBOROUGH. HARRY AND HERMIONE ARE HUGGING IN THE BACKGROUND.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** And if all goes well, we may yet see the next step of this mating ritual, often done in the private quarters of the female.

**BUSHY (Hermione):** What!

**Harry:** Easy, Hermione. Just ignore him.

HERMIONE GLARED AT HARRY.

**CHANGE LOCATION:** Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor

HARRY AND HERMIONE ARE EATING ICE CREAM AT A TABLE. SIR ATTENBOROUGH IS IN A SEAT NEXT TO THEM, ALSO EATING ICE CREAM.

**BUSHY (Hermione):** Sir Attenborough, why are you here?

SIR ATTENBOROUGH IGNORES HER.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** After both the male and female have agreed to pair up, which in this tribe is for life – totally absurd in our society, they often celebrate by eating these wonderful cold treats. It is interesting that the recipes of these treats are unknown to us in the modern world.

**HARRY:** It's no use Hermione.

CUE IN RON WEASLEY AS HE ENTERS THE ICE CREAM PARLOR. HIS FACE IS RED AND HE IS SLIGHTLY SHAKING. HIS FISTS ARE CLENCHED. HE MAKES HIS WAY TOWARDS HARRY AND HERMIONE.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** Another male has come to challenge 'Harry' for the right to be 'Bushy's' mate. 'Harry' must prove his dominance if he wants to keep his female. We shall call this newcomer 'Freckles.'

RON SLAMS A FIST ON THE TABLE. CLOSE UP ON RON, CAMERA SLOWLY PANS OUT.

**FRECKLES (Ron):** I saw you two on the veletision. How could you do this behind my back?

**HARRY:** Now hold on Ron. Don't be upset. Let's talk about this calmly.

**BUSHY (Hermione):** Yes Ron. Please do sit. You're making a scene.

**FRECKLES (Ron):** I will not sit! How could you do this to me? Especially you Harry! You're my best friend! You traitor!

HARRY STANDS UP.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** This doesn't look well. The aftermath of these tribal confrontations are violently graphic in nature. I advise you, our viewers, to send the children away from your television sets.

**HARRY:** Wait a second! I didn't know you liked her that way! Where do you get off calling me a traitor!

HERMIONE STANDS UP. THE CROWD AT THE ICE CREAM PARLOR WATCHING THE SCENE.

**BUSHY (Hermione):** Ron, don't be a prat. If you liked me that way, you should talk to me and not blame Harry.

RON'S EYES WIDEN. MOUTH AGAPE.

**FRECKLES (Ron):** What the bloody hell are you two talking about?

HARRY AND HERMIONE LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

**HARRY:** What are you talking about?

**FRECKLES (Ron):** The ice cream of course! You could have at least invited me!

THE WHOLE ROOM FACE-FAULTED EXCEPT FOR SIR ATTENBOROUGH WHO WAS INTENT ON FINISHING HIS ICE CREAM.

**EVERYONE:** WHAT!

**CHANGE LOCATION:** HOGWARTS EXPRESS, HEADBOY AND HEADGIRL'S COMPARTMENT.

CAMERA SHOWS SIR ATTENBOROUGH TIP-TOEING TOWARDS THE HEADBOY AND HEADGIRL'S COMPARTMENT. HE STOPS AT THE DOOR AND WHISPERS TOWARDS THE CAMERA.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** It is a known fact that for 'Harry' and 'Bushy' to be recognized as official adults, they must pass the mating ritual. Hence they spend most of their time perfecting their technique to pass the coming rigorous test. If you listen carefully, you can hear them practicing behind this very door.

SOUNDS OF SUCKING AND MOANING ARE HEARD FROM THE ROOM. SIR ATTENBOROUGH QUIETLY OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL HARRY SITTING UP WITH HERMIONE STRADLING HIS LEGS. BOTH ARE IN A HEATED KISS. NEITHER IS AWARE OF SIR ATTENBOROUGH.

CUT SCENE TO THE GRANGER'S RESIDENCE.

**Mr. Granger:** So where do you want to have our vacation next summer?

**Mrs. Granger:** I know! Why don't we watch that tribal show by Sir Attenborough? We can get ideas from there.

**Mr. Granger:** Good idea, love.

MR. GRANGER PUTS ON THE TELEVISION AND CLICKS THE CHANNELS TO THE TRIBAL SHOW. HARRY AND HERMIONE ARE ON THE SHOW. HARRY IS RUNNING HIS HAND ON HERMIONE'S THIGH. HIS HAND DISAPPEARS UNDER HERMIONE'S SKIRT. CHEESY SAXOPHONE MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

**Mrs. Granger:** Oh my!

**Mr. Granger:** THAT BOY IS DEAD!

CUT SCENE TO SIR ATTENBOROUGH. SLIGHT DROOL DRIPPING FROM HIS OPEN MOUTH. DOOR STILL AJAR. THEN A LOUD 'FLASH' SOUND. HARRY AND HERMIONE ARE STARTLED AND FALL TO THE FLOOR. HERMIONE'S KNICKERS ARE EXPOSED. ANOTHER LOUD 'FLASH.' SIR ATTENBOROUGH TURNS AROUND TO COME FACE TO FACE WITH COLIN CREEVEY.

**COLIN:** What?

**CHANGE SCENE:** Great Hall, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

HARRY AND HERMIONE ARE AT THE TEACHERS TABLE TALKING TO DUMBLEDORE.

**BUSHY (Hermione):** This is getting out of hand, professor. You must do something. Sir Attenborough just keeps following us.

**DUMBLEDORE:** I'll see what I can do miss Granger.

ELSEWHERE, SIR ATTENBOROUGH IS INTERVIEWING SNAPE. SNAPE LOOKS VERY IRRITATED.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** We have with us one of 'Harry's' long time teachers, who we'll call 'Greasy.'

SNAPE IS INCREDIBLY ANNOYED.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** How long have you known 'Harry'?

**GREASY (Snape):** I have no time for this.

SUBTITLES APPEAR BELOW THE SCREEN. SNAPE LOOKS AT THE WHITE LETTERS BELOW AND THROWS UP.

**SUBTITLE:** Why, I've known him since he was a small boy. I love that kid!

**ATTENBOROUGH:** Really. And what is your relation with the boy?

SHOWS SNAPE BENDED OVER ON THE FLOOR. SNAPE CONTINUES TO PUKE. MORE BARFING SOUNDS FROM SNAPE.

**SUBTITLE:** I've been training him day and night so he can pass the mating ritual. And, I say, I'm very impressed with him. Ha ha ha.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** Thank you, 'Greasy.'

SIR ATTENBOROUGH LEAVES A STILL PUKING SEVERUS SNAPE. SIR ATTENBOROUGH IS APPROACHED BY DUMBLEDORE FOLLOWED BY HARRY AND HERMIONE.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Sir Attenborough, may I have a word with you?

SIR ATTENBOROUGH FACES THE CAMERA.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** What luck. The village elder is inviting me into his audience. This is a rare opportunity we have been presented.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Yes… well, uh, lemon drop?

DUMBLEDORE EXTENDS A TIN CAN OF LEMON DROPS TO SIR ATTENBOROUGH. SIR ATTENBOROUGH PICKS ONE.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** It is a customary greeting to offer a food item to the village elder when one meets him, followed by the words: 'lemon drop?' This assures them that I, the visitor, come in peace.

SIR ATTENBOROUGH POCKETS THE LEMON DROP AND DRAWS OUT A PEANUT. HE EXTENDS THE PEANUT TO DUMBLEDORE.

**ATTENBOROUGH:** Lemon drop?

**DUMBLEDORE:** I don't think you understand…

THE DOORS OF THE GREAT HALL FLY OPEN. ALASTOR MOODY WALKS INSIDE FOLLOWED BY TONKS, REMUS, AND KINGSLEY. DOBBY, THE HOUSE-ELF, CLOSES THE DOORS.

**MOODY:** Albus, we've discovered a new plot by You-Know-Who.

**HOGWARTS STUDENTS:** Gasp!

**DUMBLEDORE:** What is this plot you say?

**MOODY:** The Dark Lord plans to annoy Potter until he loses the will to live.

**HOGWARTS STUDENTS:** Gasp!

REMUS STARTS SNIFFING THE AIR. HE GOES NEAR SIR ATTENBOROUGH'S BACKSIDE.

**LUPIN:** It's you!

**ATTENBOROUGH:** Ha ha ha! So you've found me! Ha ha ha!

**HARRY:** What is it, Moony?

**LUPIN:** It's him, Harry! It's Voldemort!

SIR ATTENBOROUGH RIPS HIS MASK OFF REVEALING THE FACE OF LORD VOLDEMORT. PHANTOM OF THE OPERA MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

**VOLDEMORT:** Ha ha ha! Prepare yourself, Harry! You're about to meet your end.

**HARRY:** You've got some balls coming here alone, Voldemort!

**VOLDEMORT:** Ha ha ha! Who said I was alone?

THE DOORS FLY OPEN FOR THE SECOND TIME TO REVEAL THE CROCODILE HUNTER, STEVE IRWIN. DOBBY GOT HIT BY THE DOOR AND FLUNG OUTSIDE A WINDOW INTO THE GREAT LAKE.

**IRWIN:** G'day, mates!

**EVERYONE EXCEPT VOLDEMORT AND IRWIN:** Oh no!

**VOLDEMORT AND IRWIN:** Ha ha ha ha ha ha…

SCREEN FADES TO BLACK. MANIACAL LAUGHTER CONTINUES. SCROLL CREDITS. AT THE BOTTOM OF THE CREDITS IS THIS MESSAGE:

At this very moment, the author of this story has been confined to the psychiatric ward of St. Mungo's Hospital. He has Gilderoy Lockhart as a roommate. Let us hope he gets well soon.

END


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